Notes
My quick rating - 3.5/10. Dashing Through the Snow sounds like a Hallmark movie until you realize it involves a pregnant fugitive, a bounty hunter who learned his trade on TikTok, homicidal elves with axes, and a hitman Santa who apparently skipped both firearms training and basic logic. Set on a snowy Christmas Eve, the film follows U.S. Marshal Joanna Johnston (Scottie Thompson), who is so desperate to avoid her judgmental family that she does the most relatable thing possible: she picks up extra work and accidentally becomes the guardian of a very pregnant criminal while being hunted by discount assassins in elf costumes.
The movie opens strong, or at least intriguing, with a Santa-suited man (David Koechner) staring through a sniper rifle. Tension! Menace! Then we immediately jump back 12 hours earlier, roll credits, and spend the next 20 minutes wondering why we bothered opening with that shot at all. By the time we catch up to the opening scene, you’ll have already forgotten why it mattered, who was aiming at whom, or why the movie didn’t just end right there.
Joanna’s partner, Merv (James Di Giacomo), is introduced during a botched arrest that gets stolen by local social-media bounty hunter Golden (Hunter Ives), described in-film - accurately - as a “douchebag.” This leads to some early precinct banter courtesy of Director Winters (Isaiah Washington), but none of it really lands. The comedy feels like it’s constantly setting up punchlines that never arrive, like a Christmas cracker that refuses to pop.
Then the elves show up. Armed and angry. And apparently immune to common sense. There’s a fight scene involving pool cues, axes, and grown adults flailing around like toddlers in a daycare melee. This is where things really go off the rails, especially considering Michael Jai White is credited for fight choreography. Somewhere, I see Spawn quietly weeping. A U.S. Marshal under attack by axe-wielding midgets should probably be shooting them, not gently nudging them away like she’s at a preschool birthday party.
Dashing Through the Snow also introduces its own fascinating physics. Getting shot barely registers as an inconvenience, like stubbing a toe. Joanna is hit twice, yet there’s no visible blood, no damage to her clothes, and no real sense that bullets behave like, you know… bullets. Rifle shots have zero recoil and all the weight of toy laser guns, which fits the overall “kids playing make-believe” vibe. Remember those elves? Yeah, they just disappear, much like my interest did.
There is some mystery and a little bit of a twist or two, and I would commend writer Stephen Chrabaszcz for at least making an attempt to go off on a different trajectory. Prince Bagdasarian’s direction spoils this attempt with some unnecessary shaky cam and a general lack of refinement. A chase scene shooting on location with vehicles looks like they discovered a shiny new drone and decided to utilize it whether they were shooting a scene where they needed to or not.
And then the ending. Let’s just say the movie has the absolute nerve to tease a sequel. After all this. Bold. Audacious. Rounding up to a 4 is possibly criminal.
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