Screamingly vulgar Linda La Hughes and screamingly camp Tom Farrell share a flat in a house owned by resident landlady and former prostitute Beryl Merit. One day they find an attractive scantily-clad black man in their kitchen and both make a play for him. He teases them by pretending to be an escort, but in fact he's Jez who has just moved in the flat below them - with his girlfriend Suze.

When Linda finds a love letter from an admirer, she assumes it's Jez and does her best to vamp him; Tom has an audition to play a criminal in a reconstruction sketch for 'Crimewatch,' but on his way to the audition he slips on the overly-polished floor and breaks his leg.

Stuck in the flat with a broken leg, Tom gets a home-helper called Shirley: a mentally unstable man who loathes having a woman's name and having that fact mentioned. Linda finally gets a date, but flower-deliveryman Joe is a no-unmarried-sex Christian.

Tom is overjoyed when Linda's sister Sharon, known professionally as Sugar Walls, seeks sanctuary from the gutter press after reports of her 12-in-a-bed romp with a football team. Suze mistakes her for Pam Ayres, while Linda just wants her out...until the press assumes she's having an affair with Tom. This opens doors for both flatmates, including an imagined quickie with Dale Winton for Linda. And even after Sugar leaves, Linda still has Liam Gallagher's phone number.

Home on a Saturday night, Tom suddenly panics over feeling old, so he hits the clubs on his own while Linda stays in drinking wine and drunkenly flirting with Jez. While Tom is out he meets Nino, a good-looking Italian, but the next day he wakes up with Kevin from Manchester.

Tom agrees to a show marriage with American lesbian Gloria so she can stay in the country with her girlfriend India. Linda hates Gloria but is attracted to her brother Vince, who promises to feature her in his porn film. Degsy, a gay friend Tom fancies, designs the extravagant wedding gown. After the wedding Linda and Tom exchange confessions regarding their desire objects, unaware they're in for shocks.