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Armed

Armed

Uncork'd Entertainment (2025)
WEBRip Xvid
Action | Horror | Thriller
Canada | English | Color | 01:34

A group of veteran marines steal a shipment of weapons from the military only to find a cold war era robot that hunts them down, determined to complete its mission. Nothing can stop this deadly killing machine.


Cast View all

Omar Tucci Frank Baxter
Rick Amsbury Bill Mosely
Babak Baharestan Amir
Red Carlsen Sheriff
Tom Cober Scientist
Robin Coombs News Anchor
Courtney Coulson Scientist
Mason Cromwell Chuck Reardon
Glen Eagle Boyd
Ismael Gunea-Romero Gunman
Will Irwin Scientist
Adam Jacobs Deputy Travis
Greg Johnston Stan Morely
Jeff Lasseter Scientist
Riley Lewis Robot
Michael Manosca Robot
Quinton Neufeldt Deputy Miller
Thomas Joseph O'Neill Deputy Sheriff
Darren Ricketts Deputy Palmer
Iraj Sanjari Assad
Sam Slessor Bodyguard
Mike Sniezek General Buckel
Mark Starratt Bennett
Rob VanSpall Soldier
Lauren Vastano News Anchor

Trailer

Edition details

Packaging MKV
Nr Discs 1
Audio Tracks Dolby Digital 2.0
Subtitles English

Personal

Owner Jackmeats Flix
Location Deleted
Purchased Apr 29, 2025
Quantity 1
Seen May 06, 2025
Index 10699
Added Date Apr 29, 2025 11:06:57
Modified Date May 06, 2025 07:13:41

Notes

My quick rating - 3.4/10. Armed answers the age-old question no one asked: “What if The Terminator got drunk, passed out in a Cold War storage locker, and woke up during a low-budget marine reunion?” Well, kiddos, the answer is: nothing special!
The plot kicks off when a ragtag group of veteran marines, who spend more time bickering than planning, decide it's a great idea to steal a shipment of government weapons. Because clearly, nothing says “tactical genius” like poking the Pentagon with a stick. Unfortunately for them (and us), the shipment contains more than dusty ammo and machine guns; it houses a robot that looks like it crawled straight out of Xtro's horror closet circa 1982 (around the 1:15 mark). And I don’t mean “retro-chic” cool—I mean “should’ve stayed in the attic” crusty.
The robot is an unstoppable Cold War relic whose only mission is to complete its original directive, which we assume is “kill people while making slow, clunky noises and awkward camera poses.” It lumbers around with the dead-eyed menace of a Roomba with a vendetta, while our protagonists argue over who’s in charge like it’s a bad Thanksgiving dinner with guns.
Action? Minimal. Most of the runtime is spent listening to flat, lifeless dialogue that sounds like it was copy-pasted from a discount military simulator. Every line is delivered with the emotional weight of someone ordering drive-thru, and the only thing lower than the budget is the energy of the cast. There’s a lot of meaningful staring, frustrated shouting, and the occasional heartfelt monologue that feels like it wandered in from a completely different movie. Maybe a soap opera. Or a traffic safety video.
But credit where it’s due: the ending is ballsy. I won’t spoil it, but let’s just say it goes out with a bang—then limps back in with an after-credit scene so shamelessly sequel-baiting, I nearly applauded. Not because I wanted more, but because it took guts to assume anyone would.
If Armed were a weapon, it’d be a jammed BB gun wrapped in duct tape. If it were a robot, it’d be the kind your neighbor built in the garage using parts from a VCR. It tries to be intense, important, and full of gusto, but ends up being a 90-minute argument interrupted by a killer toaster with abandonment issues.
Watch at your own risk—or better yet, arm yourself with booze and friends, and turn it into a bad movie night classic. The unintentional laughs might be worth it.
Would you watch the sequel if they actually make it?

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